Two Thongs Make A Right

Newcastle Herald

Saturday April 16, 2005

with Ben Quinn

THERE are few things in this world more potent, more alluring, than a seedy man in rubber thongs collecting a meat tray at the raffles.

Although this philosophy has been rattling around in my empty biscuit tin of a head for many years, I had not considered committing it to print until lightning struck recently.

I was reclining at the local bowlo with the usual suspects Big Hank, Swifty, Tugboat, Schooner and Parrot sweating on the draw for the last meat tray worth winning.

The usual blue curses rang out when the number was called and none of us had it, but there was awestruck silence when He sauntered up to the official table with all the unpredictable power of a magic-mushie hallucination.

"That's The Plumber," Swifty said in a moved hush. "Isn't he beautiful."

Like a sunrise, Swifty, like a sunrise.

The Plumber oozed old-school sleazebag panache in an ancient bone bodyshirt and brown Stubbies futilely struggling to conceal his deadly weapon.

He raised his bristling wombat eyebrows, ran a hand through his low-sheen Brylcreemed hair and shot the swooning ladies at the table a conspiratorial wink.

"Bet they'd like to keep The Plumber's snags in their fridge," commented Schooner, and we all laughed.

The insistent thwack of ice-blue rubber thongs the comely sound of happiness staggering down the street heralded The Plumber's return to his cronies.

"He's always had nice thongs," praised Big Hank with genuine reverence.

"Are there any other kind?" I replied.

It can be stated, without fear of contradiction, that rubber thongs are the most versatile performer in the history of footwear.

A Sydney shoeshop owned by some bloke called Reid claims to have imported the first rubber thongs then known as Japanese bath slippers to Australia in 1935.

They have stuck harder than the cane toad, despite a controversy involving champion swimmer Dawn Fraser in the '50s.

A member of the Japanese swimming team gave Fraser a pair of rubber thongs during the 1956 Olympic Games in Melbourne.

She wore them for a day and got "terrible blisters" between her toes, the poor dear.

"I just remember that I hated them, to be very honest," the four-time Olympic gold medallist recalled years later.

Shortly after winning her third consecutive 100-metres freestyle gold medal at the Tokyo Olympics in '64, Fraser was banned for 10 years.

It has long been accepted that the Australian Swimming Union punted her for stealing an Olympic flag from the Japanese Imperial Palace.

Although it's blatantly untrue, I can exclusively reveal that Fraser was stitched up by a Yakuza boss who took umbrage to her outrageous slurs against rubber thongs eight years prior. Seriously, she was lucky to escape a dirt nap.

I can only hope and pray this will serve as a warning for anyone queer enough to bag the most versatile performer in the history of footwear.

Just like Bogey and Bacall, rubber thongs have it all. Not only do they protect feet against volcanic sand, bubbling tar, bindies, cateyes and chalky dog turds, they have endless looks for the fashion conscious.

A man in stained dressing gown is a slob; a man in stained dressing gown and rubber thongs is a carefree playboy.

A man in op-shop duds is a cheapskate; a man in op-shop duds and rubber thongs is an aftershave model.

A man in plum-choking footy shorts is an oaf; a man in plum-choking footy shorts and rubber thongs is a guru of the flesh.

"You know what I'll never forget?" ponders my fiancee, Melissa.

"When we first fell in love, I'd be waiting for you to walk in the back door of the pub on Sundays with breakfast and the papers, and I'd melt when I heard your rubber thongs. I still get butterflies thinking about it."

Shucks, ain't that sweet.

Finally, I draw your attention to the most breathtaking performer in the history of lingerie, the strip of dental floss which started out as a G-string and ended up as a thong.

I consider that ample validation for the secondary photograph on this page.